USPS HITS A HOME RUN: Outside-the-box website is a winner

The folks at the Post Office have asked me to say something nice about them for a change. So I’ve found an underreported USPS program that is so good, it’s a slow pitch right over home plate. A gimme.

First, the pre-game warm-up. There have always been people who prey on others. The internet has simply made it easier for the bad guys to grow their business; they can now approach thousands of people simultaneously.

On the other hand, professional standards for bad guys are declining. They don’t have to be skilled liars or actors anymore as everything is transacted at long-distance and anonymously. They don’t even have to be passable spellers! Any doofus can get in the act today. Fagin must be spinning in his grave.

Rules? You gotta be kidding. There are no rules when you deal with these guys. They know that a fool is born every second, (yes, everything is speeding up today), so it’s simply a matter of numbers. When they send out millions of spurious offers they know that some sucker will bite.

Got it? Let the games begin.

Identity theft by cyber thief is the fastest growing crime in the US, which—if you’ve seen the way people drive on the Beltway—amazingly surpasses even road rage.

The methods the bad guys use to extract personal information are myriad and ingenious. Consider my emails from just last week. I won the lottery in 15 countries; well-heeled relatives who have left me vast amounts money are keeling over at an alarming rate; “Reverend Bob” has asked me to print flyers and then ship them to an orphanage in Amsterdam (there are no printers in Europe?); banks and credit cards that I don’t even use have kindly alerted me to serious problems in long-forgotten accounts (more senior moments?); and dozens of exotic Russian hotties lust after me (I wonder if my husband knows!).

I’ve been invited to earn my doctorate on line without having to open a book at least 10 times (learning by osmosis?); and if earning a doctorate isn’t my thing, then photography school (snicker) might be. My credit score is changing on an almost-hourly basis; and a long-lost cousin is stuck overseas and needs me to wire some funds so she can get home again.

The one thing that all these opportunities have in common is I have to give my bank account information to start the transaction. The bad guys are betting on my greed, lust, fear or other baser instinct to trump common sense.

The bad guys are PhDs of the dark side, although occasionally they work the sunny side of the street, too when they depend on my curiosity (my changing credit score) or compassion (my stranded cousin) to elicit my response. It’s just human nature, after all.

But now here’s the game-changer. The USPS and the USPS Postal Inspection Service have stepped up the plate. They, together with federal, state and local government agencies and consumer protection groups, have launched the web site www.deliveringtrust.com.

A nicely packaged site, it is easy for the prey (that’s you and me) to see how the Top 10 scams work. You can watch a video or download the script (a good place for parental “talking points” to begin). And while Kevin Spacey and Meryl Streep won’t fear for their jobs, the actors get the point across. Best yet for a government site, it is occasionally amusing.

A minor quibble: the test, ostensibly for children, is probably over the heads of all but the junior Mensa crowd. It’s still a good place for parents to start talking to the kids, though, and I bet that many parents will learn something from taking it, too.

OK, USPS. You hit a home run with this one.

Now please tell me how to stop their barrage of e-mails.

There is a Fungus Among Us!

DM Con Artist on the Loose.

Dear “Guy in Florida,”

I’ve lost too many jobs to you this year. Jobs I should have won. And I am pissed.

I won’t quibble about your printing prices. Maybe you ARE a little bit cheaper than I am.

I can’t argue about your list rental fees. We’re both getting our list from the same places, so we’re paying the same thing. Maybe I’m marking it up too much.

I can’t question your mailshop fees, either. I can’t pay my highly-compensated (and highly professional) staff for what you are apparently paying your illegal aliens.

But all these jobs were local jobs to me. I should have won them. After all, they required local postage to be included in their costs. And you are beating me over and over again.

“Sorry” I heard way too many times this Spring. “There’s some guy in Florida who is doing the job for 1/3 your cost.”

One third my cost??? It couldn’t be! It just didn’t make sense. I can’t be that far off.

One job I lost to you had postage alone of $900; yet you said you’d do the entire mailing for $700. Another had postage of $3000; you said you’d do the entire project for $2100.

The end users wouldn’t listen to me. They went with you, the low bidder.

OK, Guy in Florida, I found out how you do it.

It isn’t right. It isn’t ethical. And it isn’t legal.

It’s dishonest, disingenuous, and damaging our entire industry.

I feel your pain, Guy in Florida. I don’t want MY shop to go under, either. But I DO play fair. And you DON’T. You’re a liar and a thief.

Here’s what I finally figured out last week:

Last week we were both bidding on a 100,000-piece job that would bill for $18,200. Most of the money—$13,900 of it, in fact—was local Carrier Route postage.

“Sorry,” the familiar plaint started. “Some guy in Florida will do the job for $9300.”

“No!” I protested immediately and loudly. “It can’t be! The very best postage that the US Postal System can give this job is $13,900.”

“Sorry,” the erstwhile client came back lamely.

“Think about it” I demanded. “He’s willing to do the job—the list rental, printing, mailing AND postage—for less than the cost of the postage? It doesn’t make sense!”

She was silent, soaking in the implications.

My gears were spinning furiously. You—my own Moriarity, the unnamed Guy in Florida—were about to steal another job from me.

My anger at this repeated injustice spilled forth. Like a flash, the nefarious brilliance of your plan swept over me. It was truly genius. But it was also evil to the core. Moriarity indeed.

“I’ve never said this about any competitor before” I bravely tried to sound professional and rational. “But he is LYING to you.

“There is no way that he is going to mail 100,000 pieces for you for $9300. It will cost him $13,900 in postage alone! He may swear he’ll mail 100,000 pieces for $9300. He even show you a doctored drop slip to ‘prove’ his point after the fact. But he is LYING to you!

“He probably intends to mail half the job, but tell you he’s mailing all of it.

“And when you don’t get the response you were expecting, he’ll tell you that the problem was with your art. He’ll blame YOU! You’ll be victimized twice by this guy!”

This had to be what you are doing. Over and over again. It was déjà vu at its very worst.

No wonder no ethical mailshop can beat you—you’re undercutting the postage which is the single most expensive line item on a mailing project. Since you come in with a quote at 75% of the postage cost, no one can beat you. Ever.

It’s genius. You probably close nearly 100% of your quotes, don’t you? But it’s patently unethical. And most certainly illegal. Doctoring postal drop slips is mail fraud. And that’s messing with Uncle Sam.

Like the wolf in Little Red Ridinghood, you prey on innocents. You promise low-priced goodies to get the attention of mailing neophytes, but you intend to eat them for lunch.

After all these people had one thing in common: They had never mailed before. They didn’t know postal rules or rates. And they were convinced that “the best price wins the job.” That’s Econ 101 logic, right?

It’s a hell of a “business model,” Guy in Florida. Promise 100% and deliver only 50%. Then blame poor returns on your own victims. The sheer audacity of it leaves me breathless.

But your victims don’t stop with the mailing naifs you are targeting.

You’re also victimizing ethical, legitimate mailing services like my own…and like the dozens of others you have probably bilked out of honestly won jobs in the last year.

That makes me furious. Our industry is already reeling because of a bad economy, crooks in Nigeria who are successfully scamming us into taking stolen credit cards for payment, and now we have you to contend with, our own home-grown Florida Bad Guy.

The barbarians are at the gates.

But back to the lady I had on the phone.

“He’s lying.” I said one more time. “If you don’t believe me, call the Post Office’s Department of Mailing Rates and Requirements. Here’s their number…..”

Two hours later, she called me back. I had won the job. The Post Office had backed me up.

Call it a day, Guy in Florida. Pack it in. Find a new line of “work.” Preferably in an industry that can use creative problem solving, which you seem uniquely qualified to provide.

What you’re doing now will land you in jail sooner or later.